I am told that my bloodline comes from gypsies. I have moved more times than I will share, as I know the look that you will project on me of pure disbelief. It appears that I am unstable to the average American and likely is... Military brats have a shorter resume.
I have had no problem telling someone to be quiet for any reason at all. Now I find myself, an indefinite guest, passing through other's lives, struggling to be humble and remain grateful for their acceptance, love and kindness to me. Unknowing how to be truly happy for their generosity. When will I be able to pay it back or pay it forward again? How far am I from needing this neighborhood watch program?
I find with every job interview that passes me by or every one I am not 'the right fit' for, every 'situation wanted' reminds me how unwanted I feel I have become, just waiting for the next break or opportunity to reclaim a missing piece and the peace in my life to feel whole inside.
Even though I am not with those for which the signs are posted, I still feel the demands from they who see me as a burdon or inconvenient reality or stubborn and difficult to deal with; they who offer to let me stay in their garage! They who change their mind after insisting that I come to them, yet lie as though I can not sense they are just being polite, but hoped I would not come knocking. It is prominent and tenders fear that will not leave me alone. It is the kind of fear that perpetuates anger mostly, causing self-judgement and hopelessness. I do know that I am not alone. I am not as destitute as I could be in my journey and still I feel so isolated and unsalvageable. It is burdensome on those who extend a hand to me.
As of now I have come face to face with the reality of looking at how I have judged homeless people. I am depressed. I am also beginning to face this in a new context. I am the same person I always was. I am not willing to accept what others want of me if it is not right for me. I want my space, my place, my privacy, my dignity, my self respect.
I do understand what it means to want respect from the judgmental. There is a fear that resonates from acquaintances and even those I have called friend for a long time. Perhaps simply a fear to know me or someone like me, to see the indignity in my situation and perhaps contempt for the likes of me in this circumstance. RESPECT. How it has taken on a new perspective for me.
There are those who are unaware of this kind of struggle and pass judgment because I should be doing something they think they would do. People actually don't emotionally recognize that this could happen to them as well. We fear it and block the emotional pain of seeing ourselves. The brutal truth is more and more of us are falling into this trap. I never wanted it to happen to me. Some say I brought it on myself. I did not settle for just any job (that position which was never offered to me in the first place for being over qualified or under educated). They think 'she is not really trying or she's lazy or she should just take any job she can get.' I guess from where they stand, outside, looking down at me, they can feel justified about that. I have been there in their shoes. The possibly exists I still am.
There is probably a good deal of wisdom in settling for anything when you have nothing. What I do see, is I didn't change who I am just because I don't have what I used to. Eventually I will probably change, from not having what I used to have. People do change. We change when they see others who still have what we once had too. Most of all, we change when we see ourselves without respect.
I long for that quiet spot to sort through my belongings out of the rain and find the dress I need to wear for my interview, to iron the wrinkles and a place with good light so I can groom my eyebrows. I don't have money for make up (which I don't like to wear) or nylons to finish my professional look either.
I also need gas money to drive 69 mins arriving early to sit in a room full of polished and poised, clearly overqualified individuals for the job I desperately need and am perfectly qualified for. Not to mention maintaining that smart phone to be easily contacted incase I am fortunate enough for round 2.
Nevertheless, it would seem that I have to change my priorities. I am fortunate over many. I need to find a way to help someone else. By helping someone who wants my assistance, I will in fact, be helping myself heal as well. I fear to put myself teetering on the edge of this world I seek to avoid, yet am faced with embracing. It is now at the edge of my next plight I need grace and mercy. This is were I must give the respect I demand before I can expect anyone else to honor me with it. Where will I find myself useful and where will I feel appreciated this Christmas 2010? The only Christmas gift I need is to give to someone else. What better gift is there than to invest in the life of another human being?
There is probably a good deal of wisdom in settling for anything when you have nothing. What I do see, is I didn't change who I am just because I don't have what I used to. Eventually I will probably change, from not having what I used to have. People do change. We change when they see others who still have what we once had too. Most of all, we change when we see ourselves without respect.
I long for that quiet spot to sort through my belongings out of the rain and find the dress I need to wear for my interview, to iron the wrinkles and a place with good light so I can groom my eyebrows. I don't have money for make up (which I don't like to wear) or nylons to finish my professional look either.
I also need gas money to drive 69 mins arriving early to sit in a room full of polished and poised, clearly overqualified individuals for the job I desperately need and am perfectly qualified for. Not to mention maintaining that smart phone to be easily contacted incase I am fortunate enough for round 2.
Nevertheless, it would seem that I have to change my priorities. I am fortunate over many. I need to find a way to help someone else. By helping someone who wants my assistance, I will in fact, be helping myself heal as well. I fear to put myself teetering on the edge of this world I seek to avoid, yet am faced with embracing. It is now at the edge of my next plight I need grace and mercy. This is were I must give the respect I demand before I can expect anyone else to honor me with it. Where will I find myself useful and where will I feel appreciated this Christmas 2010? The only Christmas gift I need is to give to someone else. What better gift is there than to invest in the life of another human being?
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